47 Things I Know for Sure

In the spirit of better late than never and completing nagging tasks, here is my updated list with the 45th, 46th, and 47th things I know for sure. I had them, and I never wrote them down to publish until now. A few minor edits have been made to the prior 44.

47 Things I Know for Sure

1. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” –Maya Angelou
2. Be intentional. Know what you’re doing and why – and own it when something does not go exactly how you intended.
3. Operating out of fear creates stress and tension for you and everyone around you.
4. Love is in the details.
5. There are three ways to be when leaving something (a place, a job, et cetera): act like you don’t care/have a screw them mentality; act as if you’re not leaving, so that people wonder, “She knows this is her last month here, right?”; or be chill, do your best, and have only good intentions for what you’re leaving. Third option, best option. You can tell A LOT about a person by how they leave something and/or say goodbye.
6. Accepting that something isn’t the right thing for you is very hard and sometimes very necessary.
7. Using people’s names in conversation builds connection.
8. If you can do it, do it (whatever it is – for you or for others).
9. Always take the opportunity to tell someone you’re appreciative, grateful, happy, and/or better off because of him/her. (“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” –Tom Peters)
10. Validate. Say thank you.
11. Being truly empathetic is about showing up, listening, hearing, being there; it’s not about problem-solving.
12. Technology is a tool – for efficiency, for connection. It’s not for exclusivity or rudeness.
13. Discretion, especially in groups, is a very valuable yet VERY underused skill.
14. Friends made during life-changing experiences are often life-long friends.
15. When you have an uplifting, escapism, Joy Rising and/or Bonus Day experience, you’re resetting and refreshing. Look for big and little ways you can do it regularly. It’s so good for you.
16. Self-conscious inclinations limit you; try to break free from them, even if little by little.
17. Kids whose parents divorce or have some other challenge (in their family or within themselves) could benefit from talking to a professional. There’s no shame in it.
18. Energy matters. (“Take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.” –Jill Bolte Taylor)
19. Showing emotion is real and true; it’s not something about which you need to be embarrassed or apologetic.
20. When someone gets cancer (or is going through something tough), say, “That’s awful. I care about you. I am thinking of you. How can I help?” Nothing else is needed. And, you can never say “I’m thinking of you” too much to someone who’s facing a challenge. 
21. Be yourself, openly and with pride and humility. You will encourage others to do the same.
22. Quality leadership shows itself in so many intangible ways. You often don’t realize what you have until you don’t; try to be aware and recognize it when you have it, and try to be a contributor to the positive culture and environment.
23. Community isn’t a place, but a feeling. It should be synonymous with safety, trust, and connection.
24. Honor your friends’ trust.
25. Find your person and people – and never forget how incredible it is that you did.
26. Traditions and inside jokes can be the best. Know when it’s the right time to bring these out though based on who’s around you.
27. When communicating to a group, operate as if everyone is brand-new to the situation. Thinking this way helps you be very clear with the information. Anticipate what will be asked and address that up front. When people know what to expect, they feel safer and more comfortable.
28. Manage expectations – for you and for those around you.
29. Credibility and respect are earned through honesty, being real, and having a pure agenda on a consistent basis.
30. Invest in what matters to you – with your time, resources, and effort. (“Actions express priorities.” –Gandhi)
31. Trust your gut. Go with your instincts. (“Doubt means don’t.” –Maya Angelou)
32. Give credit where credit is due. (Even to yourself. And when others acknowledge you, being gracious is the best response.) Don’t take credit for something that isn’t yours. Know your role.
33. Knowing when it’s time to say goodbye or call an ending takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness. It’s important to know when it’s time to give someone else a chance and/or find out what new opportunity is awaiting you.
34. Be careful with the word “but.” When used, most anything said beforehand is not heard.
35. We can’t ask people to do things that we aren’t willing to do ourselves, especially as leaders.
36. When giving a speech, remember President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s words: “Be sincere. Be brief. Be seated.”
37. Grateful thoughts change my energy, and that means the energy I share with others changes. Gratitude is transformative, and there is always, always, always something for which to be grateful.
38. We can do hard things. And if you’re working on something REALLY hard that takes a L O N G time, having the right team around you is essential.  Persevering with a team – especially a team embodying mutual respect, hard work, attention to detail, good sense, and good humor – makes persevering the only option even when it feels like it isn’t.
39. Be wholehearted and act only in ways that reflect that. People can tell the difference. (“When we put ourselves fully before another, it makes love possible, the stubborn way the land goes soft before the sea.” –Mark Nepo)
40. Making time for meditation and mindfulness matters (written by someone who has meditated for 3312* consecutive days!), and it helps us more thoughtfully respond rather than quickly react.  And, when we are in the moment – really in the present moment – it deepens connections with others, enhances our experiences, and elevates our thoughts.  (“There’s only now / there’s only here…no other path / no other way / no day but today.” –Jonathan Larson)  *number of days updated in 2026  
41. Certainty feels good and safe, and it is a myth. Life is uncertain, and understanding that – even better, embracing it – is important to move through life in a calm and smooth way. We make life harder for ourselves when we do not understand this and when we fight against the uncertainty – and, worse, we can too easily forget the treasured advice from Mary Oliver to “keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.”
42. Grace is available to us at any time, all the time – for ourselves, for each other, all around us – if we keep our hearts, minds, and eyes open and ready to receive it. (“Grace is a power that comes in and transforms a moment to something better.” –Caroline Myss)
43. When I eliminate the words “at least” from my vocabulary, I show up with more empathy and caring to the people around me. Whenever I am on the receiving end of these words, they never land well and it feels like the opposite of empathy, even if not intended that way. (“Anything with ‘at least’ is going to be game over.” –Kate Bowler)
44. The power of “I am thinking of you” or “I saw this and thought of you” (or anything similar) can’t be overstated. At minimum, it brings a smile to the recipient; at the most, it feels like a lifeline. Either way, it’s grace and a good investment of my time – and in the words of a special friend and mentor when he was 91 years old: “It’s good to be remembered.”
45. SEND SYMPATHY CARDS.
46. Choose joy, actively, as a practice. It is available to you. The vibes and heart-lift gained from being in joy-filled spaces with energy-aligned people is incredibly impactful. (“Joy, like grace, is not earned or deserved. It just happens. Of course you can give it a nudge.” –Heather Lende)
47. We work hard to earn money to do the things we want to do. If you have the means to use that money in reasonable and responsible ways to make your life – and others’ lives – better, you should do it every chance you get. The sooner you realize this, the quicker your life gets better.

_{Photos: standing on the Loch Ness, Scotland, 5/2026; JOY with a dolphin (!!) in Costa Maya, Mexico, 12/24/2024}

---

_{Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due: Writing my original post in March 2015 (36 Things I Know For Sure) was inspired by Drew Dudley’s “38 Things I’ve Learned in 38 Years” published in February 2015 (and no longer online).}

44 Things I Know for Sure

Here is the 44th thing I know for sure (with a couple of edits of edits made to the prior 43) – not quite as late as it may appear as this one did not fully crystallize until late August and then it was further cemented last week with the wise words of a special friend. ((And, what is time?!))

44 Things I Know for Sure

1. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” –Maya Angelou
2. Be intentional. Know what you’re doing and why – and own it when something does not go exactly how you intended.
3. Operating out of fear creates stress and tension for you and everyone around you.
4. Love is in the details.
5. There are three ways to be when leaving something (a place, a job, et cetera): act like you don’t care/have a screw them mentality; act as if you’re not leaving, so that people wonder, “She knows this is her last month here, right?”; or be chill, do your best, and have only good intentions for what you’re leaving. Third option, best option. You can tell A LOT about a person by how they leave something and/or say goodbye.
6. Accepting that something isn’t the right thing for you is very hard and sometimes very necessary.
7. Using people’s names in conversation builds connection.
8. If you can do it, do it (whatever it is – for you or for others).
9. Always take the opportunity to tell someone you’re appreciative, grateful, happy, and/or better off because of him/her. (“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” –Tom Peters)
10. Validate. Say thank you.
11. Being truly empathetic is about showing up, listening, hearing, being there; it’s not about problem-solving.
12. Technology is a tool – for efficiency, for connection. It’s not for exclusivity or rudeness.
13. Discretion, especially in groups, is a very valuable yet VERY underused skill.
14. Friends made during life-changing experiences are often life-long friends.
15. When you have an uplifting, escapism, Joy Rising and/or Bonus Day experience, you’re resetting and refreshing. Look for big and little ways you can do it regularly. It’s so good for you.
16. Self-conscious inclinations limit you; try to break free from them, even if little by little.
17. Kids whose parents divorce or have some other challenge (in their family or within themselves) could benefit from talking to a professional. There’s no shame in it.
18. Energy matters. (“Take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.” –Jill Bolte Taylor)
19. Showing emotion is real and true; it’s not something about which you need to be embarrassed or apologetic.
20. When someone gets cancer (or is going through something tough), say, “That’s awful. I care about you. I am thinking of you. How can I help?” Nothing else is needed. And, you can never say “I’m thinking of you” too much to someone who’s facing a challenge. 
21. Be yourself, openly and with pride and humility. You will encourage others to do the same.
22. Quality leadership shows itself in so many intangible ways. You often don’t realize what you have until you don’t; try to be aware and recognize it when you have it, and try to be a contributor to the positive culture and environment.
23. Community isn’t a place, but a feeling. It should be synonymous with safety, trust, and connection.
24. Honor your friends’ trust.
25. Find your person and people – and never forget how incredible it is that you did.
26. Traditions and inside jokes can be the best. Know when it’s the right time to bring these out though based on who’s around you.
27. When communicating to a group, operate as if everyone is brand-new to the situation. Thinking this way helps you be very clear with the information. Anticipate what will be asked and address that up front. When people know what to expect, they feel safer and more comfortable.
28. Manage expectations – for you and for those around you.
29. Credibility and respect are earned through honesty, being real, and having a pure agenda on a consistent basis.
30. Invest in what matters to you – with your time, resources, and effort. (“Actions express priorities.” –Gandhi)
31. Trust your gut. Go with your instincts. (“Doubt means don’t.” –Maya Angelou)
32. Give credit where credit is due. (Even to yourself. And when others acknowledge you, being gracious is the best response.) Don’t take credit for something that isn’t yours. Know your role.
33. Knowing when it’s time to say goodbye or call an ending takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness. It’s important to know when it’s time to give someone else a chance and/or find out what new opportunity is awaiting you.
34. Be careful with the word “but.” When used, most anything said beforehand is not heard.
35. We can’t ask people to do things that we aren’t willing to do ourselves, especially as leaders.
36. When giving a speech, remember President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s words: “Be sincere. Be brief. Be seated.”
37. Grateful thoughts change my energy, and that means the energy I share with others changes. Gratitude is transformative, and there is always, always, always something for which to be grateful.
38. We can do hard things. And if you’re working on something REALLY hard that takes a L O N G time, having the right team around you is essential.  Persevering with a team – especially a team embodying mutual respect, hard work, attention to detail, good sense, and good humor – makes persevering the only option even when it feels like it isn’t.
39. Be wholehearted and act only in ways that reflect that. People can tell the difference. (“When we put ourselves fully before another, it makes love possible, the stubborn way the land goes soft before the sea.” –Mark Nepo)
40. Making time for meditation and mindfulness matters (written by someone who has meditated for 2366* consecutive days!), and it helps us more thoughtfully respond rather than quickly react.  And, when we are in the moment – really in the present moment – it deepens connections with others, enhances our experiences, and elevates our thoughts.  (“There’s only now / there’s only here…no other path / no other way / no day but today.” –Jonathan Larson)  *number of days updated in 2023  
41. Certainty feels good and safe, and it is a myth. Life is uncertain, and understanding that – even better, embracing it – is important to move through life in a calm and smooth way. We make life harder for ourselves when we do not understand this and when we fight against the uncertainty – and, worse, we can too easily forget the treasured advice from Mary Oliver to “keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.”
42. Grace is available to us at any time, all the time – for ourselves, for each other, all around us – if we keep our hearts, minds, and eyes open and ready to receive it. (“Grace is a power that comes in and transforms a moment to something better.” –Caroline Myss)
43. When I eliminate the words “at least” from my vocabulary, I show up with more empathy and caring to the people around me. Whenever I am on the receiving end of these words, they never land well and it feels like the opposite of empathy, even if not intended that way. (“Anything with ‘at least’ is going to be game over.” –Kate Bowler)
44. The power of “I am thinking of you” or “I saw this and thought of you” (or anything similar) can’t be overstated. At the least, it brings a smile to the recipient; at the most, it feels like a lifeline. Either way, it’s grace and a good investment of my time – and in the words of a special 91-year-old friend and mentor, “It’s good to be remembered.”

_{Photos: November 2022, Chesapeake, Maryland; October 2022, on my daily walk}

---

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due: Writing my original post in March 2015 was inspired by Drew Dudley’s “38 Things I’ve Learned in 38 Years” published in February 2015 (and no longer online).

43 Things I Know for Sure

Twenty-six days later, it’s that time of year again (with some small edits made to the prior 42). 💗

43 Things I Know for Sure

1. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” –Maya Angelou
2. Be intentional. Know what you’re doing and why – and own it when something does not go exactly how you intended.
3. Operating out of fear creates stress and tension for you and everyone around you.
4. Love is in the details.
5. There are three ways to be when leaving something (a place, a job, et cetera): act like you don’t care/have a screw them mentality; act as if you’re not leaving, so that people wonder, “She knows this is her last month here, right?”; or be chill, do your best, and have only good intentions for what you’re leaving. Third option, best option. You can tell A LOT about a person by how they leave something and/or say goodbye.
6. Accepting that something isn’t the right thing for you is very hard, but sometimes very necessary.
7. Using people’s names in conversation builds connection.
8. If you can do it, do it (whatever it is – for you or for others).
9. Always take the opportunity to tell someone you’re appreciative, grateful, happy, and/or better off because of him/her. (“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” –Tom Peters)
10. Validate. Say thank you.
11. Being truly empathetic is about showing up, listening, hearing, being there; it’s not about problem-solving.
12. Technology is a tool – for efficiency, for connection. It’s not for exclusivity or rudeness.
13. Discretion, especially in groups, is a very valuable yet VERY underused skill.
14. Friends made during life-changing experiences are often life-long friends.
15. When you have an uplifting, escapism, Joy Rising and/or Bonus Day experience, you’re resetting and refreshing. Look for big and little ways you can do it regularly. It’s so good for you.
16. Self-conscious inclinations limit you; try to break free from them, even if little by little.
17. Kids whose parents divorce or have some other challenge (in their family or within themselves) could benefit from talking to a professional. There’s no shame in it.
18. Energy matters. (“Take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.” –Jill Bolte Taylor)
19. Showing emotion is real and true; it’s not something about which you need to be embarrassed or apologetic.
20. When someone gets cancer (or is going through something tough), say, “That’s awful. I care about you. I am thinking of you. How can I help?” Nothing else is needed. And, you can never say “I’m thinking of you” too much to someone who’s facing a challenge. 
21. Be yourself, openly and with pride and humility. You will encourage others to do the same.
22. Quality leadership shows itself in so many intangible ways. You often don’t realize what you have until you don’t; try to be aware and recognize it when you have it, and try to be a contributor to the positive culture and environment.
23. Community isn’t a place, but a feeling. It should be synonymous with safety, trust, and connection.
24. Honor your friends’ trust.
25. Find your person and people – and never forget how incredible it is that you did.
26. Traditions and inside jokes can be the best. Know when it’s the right time to bring these out though based on who’s around you.
27. When communicating to a group, operate as if everyone is brand-new to the situation. Thinking this way helps you be very clear with the information. Anticipate what will be asked and address that up front. When people know what to expect, they feel safer and more comfortable.
28. Manage expectations – for you and for those around you.
29. Credibility and respect are earned through honesty, being real, and having a pure agenda on a consistent basis.
30. Invest in what matters to you – with your time, resources, and effort. (“Actions express priorities.” –Gandhi)
31. Trust your gut. Go with your instincts. (“Doubt means don’t.” –Maya Angelou)
32. Give credit where credit is due. (Even to yourself. And when others acknowledge you, being gracious is the best response.) Don’t take credit for something that isn’t yours. Know your role.
33. Knowing when it’s time to say goodbye or call an ending takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness. It’s important to know when it’s time to give someone else a chance and/or find out what new opportunity is awaiting you.
34. Be careful with the word “but.” When used, most anything said beforehand is not heard.
35. We can’t ask people to do things that we aren’t willing to do ourselves, especially as leaders.
36. When giving a speech, remember President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s words: “Be sincere. Be brief. Be seated.”
37. Grateful thoughts change my energy, and that means the energy I share with others changes. Gratitude is transformative, and there is always, always, always something for which to be grateful.
38. We can do hard things. And if you’re working on something REALLY hard that takes a L O N G time, having the right team around you is essential.  Persevering with a team – especially a team embodying mutual respect, hard work, attention to detail, good sense, and good humor – makes persevering the only option even when it feels like it isn’t.
39. Be wholehearted and act only in ways that reflect that. People can tell the difference. (“When we put ourselves fully before another, it makes love possible, the stubborn way the land goes soft before the sea.” –Mark Nepo)
40. Making time for meditation and mindfulness matters (written by someone who has meditated for 1723* consecutive days!), and it helps us more thoughtfully respond rather than quickly react.  And, when we are in the moment – really in the present moment – it deepens connections with others, enhances our experiences, and elevates our thoughts.  (“There’s only now / there’s only here…no other path / no other way / no day but today.” –Jonathan Larson)  *number of days updated in 2022  
41. Certainty feels good and safe, and it is a myth. Life is uncertain, and understanding that – even better, embracing it – is important to move through life in a calm and smooth way. We make life harder for ourselves when we do not understand this and when we fight against the uncertainty – and, worse, we can too easily forget the treasured advice from Mary Oliver to “keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.”
42. Grace is available to us at any time, all the time – for ourselves, for each other, all around us – if we keep our hearts, minds, and eyes open and ready to receive it. (“Grace is a power that comes in and transforms a moment to something better.” –Caroline Myss)
43. When I eliminate the words “at least” from my vocabulary, I show up with more empathy and caring to the people around me. Whenever I am on the receiving end of these words, they never land well and it feels like the opposite of empathy, even if not intended that way. (“Anything with ‘at least’ is going to be game over.” –Kate Bowler)

_{Photos: Topsail Spring 2021 (CBG), Cape Cod June 2021}

---

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due: Writing my original post in March 2015 was inspired by Drew Dudley’s “38 Things I’ve Learned in 38 Years” published in February 2015 (and no longer online).

Snow and Written Words This Week

It snowed this week. And overall – for me – the snow did not bring joy.

I think it brought lessons though, and I’m always open.

It was a tough week for the written word.  I received a lot of it, and most of it was negative.  I read more assumptions and judgments than I did questions.  A few nice notes arrived (and were so greatly appreciated), but they were outnumbered by the frustrated, passive aggressive, or angry words.  I do understand.  We’re in a global pandemic.  There’s a spike of a new COVID-19 variant.  School was closed all week because of the snow – and we had just been closed for two weeks because of winter break.  It was the anniversary of a terrible event that happened in our country a year ago.  It’s a lot to hold, for all of us.  And for me, I not only hold all these words sent to me, I also have a responsibility to respond to them. 

One of the emails was not sent directly to me, but I saw it.  (The email was about policy, not me.)  Those who received this particular note reacted quickly to its angry tone and offensive words.  I understood how they felt; it was hard to process the words any other way.  And yet, I had context about its author that they did not have: I knew them to be a good person through the humor, generosity, and affirmation I had seen first-hand.  The recipients of the author’s written words had none of this experience; they only had the email with its harsh words and tones.

I started thinking about context.  How it matters.  How it plays such a part in how we perceive what we read and receive. 

At the beginning of the week, I had a video call with someone who, over time, has shared lots of written words with me.  While I knew the words were meant to be helpful, their effect was almost the same as the negative ones: a lot to hold and a heavy sense of responsibility to reply thoughtfully to it.  And in a global pandemic, when running a school, there is no shortage of heavy responsibility for me.  I don’t need more of it or additional tasks to do.  I think I had developed, over time, a discouraging view about this person because of the volume of written words I received by email.  I was not looking forward to the video call, and it ended up being a pleasant surprise. 

There were more words: constructive and proactive.  I also heard complimentary words, and I saw smiles.  Our meeting felt pleasant, and while it did not take away any sense of responsibility to respond thoughtfully and hold all that was being given to me, there was a warmth and caring that did not come through in the written words arriving to my email.  I think it’s easier to hold anything that shows up with warmth and caring.

As soon as the meeting ended, I thought immediately of Brené Brown’s written words in Braving the Wilderness: “People are hard to hate close up. Move in.”

Then I started thinking again about the harsh email I mentioned above and the other written words I received this week – including those of a social media group post seen by many that should have been an email directed at one or two.

And I wondered how different my reactions to their messages might have been had we spoken face-to-face (in person or by video) or on the phone.  Even with masks, talking in person is different than reading words.  Even when masked, body language, tone, and gestures all play into creating context about the request or the complaint in a way that just can’t happen when reading words. 

I wondered, collectively, if when we write our words, do we always remember there’s a human being, somewhere, who will eventually receive and read them?  And, that human being has a head and a heart.  Just like we do.  Their heart may not love the same things we do, but there is probably love of some kind there.  They have feelings.  They will react to these written words in some way.  Do we think of this when we are writing our words?  Do we care?

All of this was rolling around in my head at the same time I was informed about a tremendous loss of life in my extended family.  It was the snow again, in a different state, this time with a fatal effect.

The written words of Kelly Corrigan in Tell Me More came to me: “Shouldn’t loss change a person, for the better, forever?”  It’s the highest ideal, the most aspirational value I will probably ever have: to resist that, as Kelly writes, “slide into smallness” – to not let my focus be consumed by the things that don’t really matter in favor of what matters the most.  It’s probably something I will work on forever, and I don’t think I’m alone.

While the written words from earlier in my week were hurtful, I recognized they meant less after hearing about something so tragic.  I had different thoughts in my head now, and my heart felt sad in a more significant way.  It’s scary when life changes so quickly.  It’s another reminder that certainty is a myth, but so often we forget this.  These moments do bring perspective; they do help redirect us.

And yet, the next morning, I found myself being drawn back into the written word.    

This time, I was reading the comments on a Boston news channel’s Facebook post about the snowy highway accident that killed my relative.  I was aghast reading some of the negative and incredibly inappropriate written words, and again I started wondering along the same path as my thoughts earlier in the week, when I was receiving negative written words and the stakes were much lower:

• Is there any context that anyone is considering?
• What about the human beings who would read and receive these written words that the Facebook users felt compelled to leave as comments?  (And in this case, some of those human beings were the spouse, parent, siblings, nieces, and friends grieving someone they loved dearly.)  
• If you were in a conversation with someone about the same topic, would you be so quick with your assessments, judgments, and/or harsh words?  If you had to speak your comment instead of writing it, would you?  How would this go differently if a live conversation?

I do think loss can change a person, for the better.  And I’ll probably always be working to make that true for myself.  

I think maybe there’s a more tangible goal we could all be working on in the meantime, and I’m certainly going to stay mindful of it during this new year.

Let’s take a little more ownership of our written words, of how they might impact the human beings who will receive and read them – the ones we know and interact with regularly and maybe even those we will never meet.  Even when we feel accountability is needed, this concept still can play a part. 

Let’s think about the vulnerability and realness of the human beings in our worlds (and in the world) and remember they have feelings just like us. 

Let’s use our written words carefully and effectively, and maybe even try to speak our words more than we write them, if it’s possible. 

When we are writing them, let’s think about:

• pausing more
• investing our energy in more curiosity instead of judgments and in questions rather than assumptions (this is ever present in Brené’s Dare to Lead™ curriculum, and Ted Lasso taught this to the world in 2020 when he played darts)
• and even staying quiet sometimes 

We don’t always need to offer our written words, and when we do, we can do so more thoughtfully remembering that there is another human being – with a heart that feels just like us – who will read them.  

Let’s move in – and give our fingers, keyboards, keypads, styluses, devices, pens, and pencils a little more rest in 2022.

I think we will be better for it.  I know for sure I’ll be trying.  

Grateful to the friend who sent me this heart yesterday 🖤

Works Mentioned

• https://brenebrown.com/book/braving-the-wilderness/
• https://www.kellycorrigan.com/books
• https://brenebrown.com/hubs/dare-to-lead/
• https://tv.apple.com/us/show/ted-lasso/umc.cmc.vtoh0mn0xn7t3c643xqonfzy
• Ted Lasso Be Curious Scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x0PzUoJS-U

---

In Loving Memory of JDS, a human being whose heart touched so many.
6.7.1976 – 1.7.2022

42 Things I Know for Sure

26 days late (what is time these days?), but here’s something else I know for sure, even in the middle of a global pandemic.  

 
42 Things I Know for Sure

1. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” –Maya Angelou
2. Be intentional. Know what you’re doing and why – and own it when something does not go exactly how you intended.
3. Operating out of fear creates stress and tension for you and everyone around you.
4. Love is in the details.
5. There are three ways to be when leaving something (a place, a job, et cetera): act like you don’t care/have a screw them mentality; act as if you’re not leaving, so that people wonder, “She knows this is her last month here, right?”; or be chill, do your best as usual, and have only good intentions for what you’re leaving. Third option, best option. You can tell a lot about a person by how they leave something and/or say goodbye.
6. Accepting that something isn’t the right thing for you is very hard, but sometimes very necessary.
7. Using people’s names in conversation builds connection.
8. If you can do it, do it (whatever it is – for you or for others).
9. Always take the opportunity to tell someone you’re appreciative, grateful, happy, and/or better off because of him/her. (“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” –Tom Peters)
10. Validate. Say thank you.
11. Being truly empathetic is about showing up, listening, hearing, being there; it’s not about problem-solving.
12. Technology is a tool – for efficiency, for connection. It’s not for exclusivity or rudeness.
13. Discretion, especially in groups, is a very valuable yet VERY underused skill.
14. Friends made during life-changing experiences are often life-long friends.
15. When you have an uplifting, escapism, Joy Rising and/or Bonus Day experience, you’re resetting and refreshing. Look for big and little ways you can do it regularly. It’s so good for you.
16. Self-conscious inclinations limit you; try to break free from them, even if little by little.
17. Kids whose parents divorce or have some other challenge (in their family or within themselves) could benefit from talking to a professional. There’s no shame in it.
18. Energy matters. (“Take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.” –Jill Bolte Taylor)
19. Showing emotion is real and true; it’s not something about which you need to be embarrassed.
20. When someone gets cancer (or is going through something tough), say, “That’s awful. I care about you. I am thinking of you. How can I help?” Nothing else is needed. And, you can never say “I’m thinking of you” too much to someone who’s facing a challenge. 
21. Be yourself, openly and with pride and humility. You will encourage others to do the same.
22. Quality leadership shows itself in so many intangible ways. You often don’t realize what you have until you don’t; try to be aware and recognize it when you have it, and try to be a contributor to the positive culture and environment.
23. Community isn’t a place, but a feeling. It should be synonymous with safety, trust and connection.
24. Honor your friends’ trust.
25. Find your person and people – and never forget how incredible it is that you did.
26. Traditions and inside jokes can be the best. Know when it’s the right time to bring these out though based on who’s around you.
27. When communicating to a group, operate as if everyone is brand-new to the situation. Thinking this way helps you be very clear with the information. Anticipate what will be asked and address that up front. When people know what to expect, they feel safer and more comfortable.
28. Manage expectations – for you and for those around you.
29. Credibility and respect are earned through honesty, being real, and having a pure agenda on a consistent basis.
30. Invest in what matters to you – with your time, resources, and effort. (“Actions express priorities.” –Gandhi)
31. Trust your gut. Go with your instincts. (“Doubt means don’t.” –Maya Angelou)
32. Give credit where credit is due. (Even to yourself. And when others acknowledge you, being gracious is the best response.) Don’t take credit for something that isn’t yours. Know your role.
33. Knowing when it’s time to say goodbye or call an ending takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness. It’s important to know when it’s time to give someone else a chance and/or find out what new opportunity is awaiting you.
34. Be careful with the word “but.” When used, most anything said beforehand is not heard.
35. We can’t ask people to do things that we aren’t willing to do ourselves, especially as leaders.
36. When giving a speech, remember President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s words: “Be sincere. Be brief. Be seated.”
37. Grateful thoughts change my energy, and that means the energy I share with others changes. Gratitude is transformative, and there is always, always, always something for which to be grateful.
38. We can do hard things. And if you’re working on something REALLY hard that takes a L O N G time, having the right team around you is essential.  Persevering with a team – especially a team embodying mutual respect, hard work, attention to detail, good sense, and good humor – makes persevering the only option even when it feels like it isn’t.
39. Be wholehearted and act only in ways that reflect that. People can tell the difference. (“When we put ourselves fully before another, it makes love possible, the stubborn way the land goes soft before the sea.” –Mark Nepo)
40. Making time for meditation and mindfulness matters (written by someone who has meditated for 1358* consecutive days!), and it helps us more thoughtfully respond rather than quickly react.  And, when we are in the moment – really in the present moment – it deepens connections with others, enhances our experiences, and elevates our thoughts.  (“There’s only now / there’s only here…no other path / no other way / no day but today.” –Jonathan Larson)  *number of days updated in 2021  
41. Certainty feels good and safe, but it is a myth. Life is uncertain, and understanding that – even better, embracing it – is important in order to move through life in a calm and smooth way. We make life harder for ourselves when we do not understand this and when we fight against the uncertainty – and, worse, we can too easily forget the treasured advice from Mary Oliver to “keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.”
42. Grace is available to us at any time, all the time – for ourselves, for each other, all around us – if we keep our hearts, minds, and eyes open and ready to receive it. (“Grace is a power that comes in and transforms a moment to something better.” –Caroline Myss)

---

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due: Writing my original post in March 2015 was inspired by Drew Dudley’s “38 Things I’ve Learned in 38 Years” published in February 2015 (but no longer online).

Choosing Ease

Choosing Ease

I’ve been thinking a lot about ease. Not in trying to make things easy or take the easy way out (I can do hard things!), but more about not pursuing things that are not flowing smoothly, or with ease.  

I really want to run on my treadmill again after having major abdominal surgery in September. (I ran six days a week for just over six months until the day before my surgery.)  When I tried for two days at the beginning of January, I could do it, but it did not feel great physically during or afterwards.  As I was thinking about continuing to try, I also thought to myself, “Maybe the right thing is to let this go right now.”  That’s what I did, and, even though it’s something I really, really want, it felt like a huge weight lifted off me to say I am going to let this go right now and I will try again soon.  The beginning of January was clearly not the right time and realizing that and acting accordingly is kind of ease I am thinking of.

Last night, I was parking at my condo building and the spot I wanted was a bit too tight because of the way a neighbor had parked in the next space.  As I was trying to park, “This is not ease” popped into my mind, and I immediately reversed my car and parked in a space a little farther away.  It was not what I wanted, but it was better suited for me and the right thing.  

This is the kind of ease I’m trying to embrace more of.

If it takes too much to make it happen – and it does not need to happen – then maybe letting it go and embracing a different way is what makes the most sense in this moment.  And this moment is not forever, so there’s some trust, and faith, involved with choosing ease too.  

Art by my friend – and fellow Certified Dare to Lead™ Facilitator – Lisa Pepper-Satkin

Hope

Hope

Been thinking a lot about what to write for this December post. Feels like there are so many possibilities.

I finally settled on something short on the topic of HOPE. It feels like we need this and also that there are countless examples of it in 2020, even though it was such a strange year.  

I think about everyone who pivoted, thought differently, and took chances this year because of circumstances brought forth from the global pandemic.

I think about educators who taught and stayed connected with students in settings none of us had ever encountered before.

I think about students who entered new and different learning environments. I think about their parents who sometimes had to make hard choices about what they thought their kids needed and how they would try to get it.

I think about people who celebrated big moments and stayed connected with people they love online instead of in person.

I think about the scientists who worked so hard, and so fast, to create a vaccine to protect people against a deadly virus.

I think about everyone who kept showing up – to connect, to work, to learn, to love, to care, to grow, to help, to try, to innovate, to be present.    

I think about all of this, and I also think about Anderson Cooper saying “hope is not a plan” during the Hurricane Katrina coverage on CNN.  

It’s true. Hope is not a plan, but I think it can be part of the plan. I think it needs to be. I think it is hard to move forward otherwise, especially right now.  

Last night I read these words from Anne Lamott (cementing that I would write about hope today):
“Hope is not about proving anything. It’s choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim bleak shit anyone can throw at us.”

YES.

My friend RJ – a cancer survivor – once said “Believe in hope.”

And I do.

---

Wishing you and everyone in your orbit a hopeful and healthy new year – with heartfelt thanks for reading and supporting my writing in 2020!

Photo: From an outdoor walk less than a mile from my house on December 11, 2020

Encouragement

Encouragement

I’ve been thinking a lot about encouragement and showing up that way for people.

It feels in some ways I’m having some kind of revelation about the importance of this, but I also know that I knew this. I have lived this. I have tried to be this for other people.

Three years ago, we opened a new building at school and at our ribbon cutting ceremony, I gave a speech with five main points: “And the fifth thing that is true: Encouragement is what I’ll remember the most.”

And, I do remember all of the people who showed up with encouragement during that five-year period. I can still picture the handwritten note from the former Board Chair who wished us luck and included a donation to the capital campaign. I remember the parents who took a second whenever they saw me to drop a piece of light: the wows, the congratulations, the looking goods. “Cheering you on” has become something I say to others because of a parent who started writing it to me during that time.

In that same speech where I highlighted encouragement, I said, “I won’t ever forget any of it. And I also won’t forget how much it helped me the next time someone I know is doing something big.”

I don’t think I forgot it, exactly – and I have tried to pay it forward.

And yet, I find myself feeling a bit surprised in 2020 about the value of encouragement and its importance in my life.

In March, when the world changed and we did not know what was happening, I remember receiving two texts. One was from a friend with whom I am not in regular touch: “Sending you positive thoughts and love while you navigate [school] through this difficult situation.” The very next day, from someone in our school community with whom I wasn’t close but knew for many years: “Everyone is leaning towards you for this, that and the other. Thanks for having strong shoulders! I’m praying for your strength and I hope that everything will fall in place and we all will be strong together and supportive and continue to be a strong community.” I felt so touched by these messages, that people thought to reach out to me, that they cared – and they helped me stand a little taller.

These two texts stand out to me now, but I know I received a lot of encouragement during that time. Emails from parents. Notes from friends. Messages from teachers, staff, and board members.

It mattered. It mattered a lot to me.

I remember in the moment wanting to pass that on. I emailed the yoga studio where I take classes and tried to share some of the same light that was shining on me: This is hard, I am benefitting from your tremendous efforts, I appreciate it, I see you reinventing everything you knew, and it matters.

Just like in 2017, I had a renewed sense of not wanting to forget this and wanting to be someone who encourages others.

In September, I had surgery. While the long view is that everything went smoothly, it was unexpected and I was in a lot of pain for, thankfully, a short period of time. The experience was (sometimes still is – healing continues) somewhat isolating, and, again, I was fortunate to hear from so many people. Emails, texts, cards, flowers, other surprises, food. It made me feel less alone, and it helped me.

This was encouragement in a different form, and it mattered. It mattered a lot to me.

About a month after this, my high school English teacher passed away. I had the same English teacher for all four years of high school and for six classes (four English classes and two Writing Workshops). Ms. Wendy Marber became a friend, and we saw each other often throughout the years. On the night I learned that she died, I was thinking about her influence and was struck again by this recurring theme of encouragement.

The most noteworthy story about Ms. Marber encouraging me was when she was telling me I had received a perfect score on a standardized writing test. In a heartbeat, in a non-descript small office off the main hallway of my high school, I saw myself differently. I was A Good Writer. I embraced that. I still do. And I am grateful that Ms. Marber saw this in me. She always encouraged me.

This is encouragement that has made an impact for 23 years. This is powerful.

And last week, before Thanksgiving, I got an email from a friend at school who is the best at encouragement. This wasn’t revelatory, but he never misses an opportunity to tell me he’s rooting for me and wishing me well. I know I am not nearly at his level (yet), but every time he shows up for me, it inspires me to try to do the same for others.  

When we see ourselves the way other people see us, it really lifts us. This is encouragement in its best form, but encouragement can show up in many ways. It can help us find the light in challenging times, and it can help us be the light for others. However encouragement looks – whether personal, specific, or more generic; whether spoken, written, or gifted; whether words or something more tangible – I think it all means the same: I see you, I am thinking of you, I care about you, I know you can do this (whatever this is), I believe in you.

And this matters; I know it for sure.

The Moment We Are In Right Now

The Moment We Are In Right Now

I wrote most recently about certainty, and I’m back on that topic again with a bit of a different lens.  

I really feel strongly that meeting this moment – the one we are in right now, the one where we’re in a global pandemic and doing things we have never done before – requires us to let go of the idea of certainty and embrace the moment. I think this is true in general and specifically in leadership. 

Striving to be in the moment and be present are not new goals. Many people – including me – have been working towards this for years. Meditation plays a large part. It is sustained effort over time. It is not easy work. 

It is especially not easy work when we face decision-making during COVID-19. I’m starting to see how necessary not getting too far ahead of things is as it relates to leading during the coronavirus. Planning for next steps, creating charts, writing strategies, and more are typically best practices when leading in times of crisis. Try to get ahead of it so we can respond rather than react. Anticipate. Be prepared. “Hope is not a plan” as Anderson Cooper said during CNN’s coverage of Hurricane Katrina several years ago. I believe in all of this. I know it matters – and I’ve lived it as a leader many times over.  

I am feeling though that I don’t think these actions are the right things for this moment we’re in, right now. It goes against human nature and it is hard not to start going to this planning and anticipating place, but the moment is always calling us back if we are listening. And every moment during the coronavirus is truly a new moment in a way we’ve never seen before.   

I think it is always critical to call to mind best practices, instincts, collective knowledge, and available resources. And, in this moment – the one we are in right now, the one where we’re in a global pandemic and doing things we have never done before – I think these aspects of decision-making may matter most.

Equally important, right now, is the ability to recognize this, say it out loud, and not get carried too far away from the moment. I think this is how we can be sure time is spent productively and that we are continuing to come from a calm place of response rather than reaction.  And from a place of openness and curiosity rather than certainty. 

This is hard work, but we can do hard things – and I think we will be even stronger leaders because of this moment – the one we are in right now, the one where we’re in a global pandemic and doing things we have never done before.

Certainty

Certainty

I’ve been thinking a lot about certainty – and how it is such a myth. What’s certain is this moment, right now. Beyond that, it’s hopes and plans and intentions and dreams, but it’s not certainty.

 

I think pandemic life has brought to the surface many feelings and emotions for a lot of people. And a lot of this is hard. Most people don’t like to be in uncertainty, and I don’t think anyone likes to feel untethered or uncomfortable.

 

But, here we are. It’s my first one, but it does feel certain to me that a global pandemic tends to bring these unwanted feelings with it.

 

The COVID-19 crisis is tough (for countless reasons), and I think we need to be aware of how we are moving through it in a way that does not make it any harder than it needs to be. Embracing the uncertainty is a big part of this for me. Some days the embrace is smooth and warm, and other days, it is only an understanding of it and cognizance that it’s here. But, most importantly, I try not to fight against it.

 

 

Another thing I’m working on is resisting the binary arguments. Social media is often not our friend in this, but the more awareness we cultivate around this topic, the more it helps us resist this kind of unproductive thinking. To believe feelings are mutually exclusive is to not be vulnerable to the moment we are in. In any moment, it can be heavy, and also light. Things can be hard and good, together. You can feel scared while at the same time feel excited.

 

I think binary thinking and our need for certainty go hand-in-hand. We can feel more certain when we are quick to label things one way, when we point out the villain immediately, when we go right to a story. In the absence of data, Brené always says, our mind will create a story. It is how we are wired.

 

But, I think we can actively try to rewire, and it’s something I’ve been working on. And I find that on any given day, it’s easy and challenging, rewarding and draining, heavy and breezy – and that’s all okay. I am certain about that.

 

---

 

Above Image: Jo Love’s Instagram instagram.com/jo__love__/

 

Above Image: Brené Brown’s Instagram instagram.com/p/B-umsbGpx2z/ |
Podcast episode: brenebrown.com/podcast/alicia-keys-and-brene-on-more-myself/